


I’m Thinking of Ending Things

by whatswronglittlefellow



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coping, Crying, Fear, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Kinda, Mental Breakdown, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Present Tense, Self-Harm, Suicidal Ideation, as in Blue Diamond’s euphoria clouds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:40:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28311756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatswronglittlefellow/pseuds/whatswronglittlefellow
Summary: Spinel can’t take it anymore (she continues to take it).Three chapters focusing on agony, bliss, and calm.
Relationships: Blue Diamond & Spinel (Steven Universe)
Kudos: 12





	1. Pain

Spinel is thinking of ending things. But she knows this will pass.

It hurts too much. She feels wretched inside. She feels like there’s a crack in her gem. It’s deep and the shattered little pieces have fallen out, leaving a painful groove in it. 

But that hasn’t happened at all. If there was a crack in her gem it would be easier to deal with. Steven could spit on her and she’d be all better.

There’s something wrong with her programming. Her code

She pulls at her pigtails. She scrapes her fingernails along her scalp. The gem feels horrible in her chest. A weight. An intrusion. It’s so heavy. She wants to tear it out. She wants to curve her fingers around its edge and feel the ache of stretching skin. She wants bruises where she tried to dig out this burden. It’ll flip out and leave a nice hole in her and she’d be lighter. Emptier but lighter.

This gem is grave but it’s all she has. She just doesn’t want to feel that pain anymore

She pounds at the cabochons of her gem with her fist. It creates a weird sensation in the back of her throat, as though she got the wind knocked out of her. She presses against her gem at an angle. She feels it’s sharp vertices dig into her skin. The pain is quick and accurate. It sends shivers down her legs. The sensation is vindictive. It hurts in a manageable way. She presses deeper. It begins to hurt at a different depth. She sees strange colors flash. It feels like someone’s pressing on her eyeballs.

A clean, solid being of pure light, Spinel doesn’t have much to her. Her body is so achingly empty. The only weight is this gem sitting in her chest.

Her arms noodle onto the ground in a strained motion. She bites her tongue, she can’t stand it. It’s all too painful. She’s crying now. The tears are frustratingly hot. She punches herself in the forehead. She wraps her arms tightly around her body. She’s kneeling on the palace floor. Knees against her chest. She fantasizes about shattering that smooth glass and pounding her fists into the shards.

She’s panting. She’s crying. The weight. Her gem. So heavy. It aches so, so…

Spinel cups the surface of her gem in her palm, her hand warm against her chest. She lays her head against the cool palace floor and gasps and sobs. It feels good to vocalize. It feels good to have the air leave her throat.

Her cries are proper ululations now. They scratch the back of her throat with their volume. Her tears make the palace floor wet. Her cheeks slide on it.

She wants comfort, but she cannot imagine receiving it. She feels so alone in her sadness.

Alone. The word makes frigid panic hitch in her throat. She almost chokes on it.

To crumple her soul into dust. Squeeze her gem into pieces with her fist. She could choke on it. Her gem dust. Choke on it and swallow it. She’d be less alone, then. Less empty. So horribly empty.

Her chest feels cold, now. She thinks she’s done crying. She gets up, limbs sore and cheeks wet, leaving to look for Blue to send her into a comfortable haze.


	2. Haze

This wonderful mist fills her gem with clouds. It melts away Spinel’s limbs and kisses her eyes shut. She breathes a breath of calm and smiles in a dazed manner. This air, this fog. She gulps big mouthfuls of it into her lungs. If she were to stop breathing for a moment, the clouds would evaporate and her gem would grow heavy. It would force her to fall to the ground.

Distantly, she hears Blue’s smooth voice fill the air with song. The melody flows into her head, and splashes against the insides of her skull. It’s cool and refreshing. If Blue stopped for a moment, the heat of Spinel’s horrible thoughts would evaporate all this relief.

She breathes in deeply. She keeps her eyes closed. The blue ether swirls around her limbs and she rolls over. The blissful clouds lick her skin and curl around her fingers. It feels cleansing. It feels like it dampens the rot inside, softening it and making it easier to clean out later.

Another deep breath of happiness. Tears threaten at the borders of her eyes. Spinel dips her head back into the cumulus and feels it tickle her forehead. She giggles. For a brief second, she feels as light as she did back then, back before all this happened.

Her lips stretch into an airy smile.

“Mmmm,” she sighs. She inhales more cloud. She ignores that heavy weight.

This is all fleeting, she knows. It’s so fickle. But she cannot think about that. She’ll fall out of the sky. She feels her emotions begin to neutralize. Her hands curl into fists and she practically gasps.

This won’t do, so she turns around in her levitating respite and launches herself face-first into another sky-blue cloud. It’s soft and cool to the touch. So soft, so comforting. She hugs the shape with her arms and legs and feels giddiness fill her body.

Spinel laughs aloud. It’s a loud laugh with an open mouth.

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha, HA HA HA HAAA HAAAHAHA! Oh, man!” Tears leak out of the corners of her eyes. They are small and light.

Blue looks at her darling little gem with half-lidded eyes. Spinel’s body feels warm with the recognition of her caregiver’s tenderness and care.

“What’s so funny?” Blue asks, her voice like silk. Spinel feels another burst of euphoria.

“I love it here,” she says.

Blue moves her hand towards Spinel. Her whole line of vision is soon filled with a soothing blue. Her enormous fingertip lightly taps Spinel’s head. Spinel moves to grab the diamond’s finger, and presses her lips against it in an affectionate kiss. 

“Mmm-MWAAH!!”

Blue laughs and Spinel leans back into her cloud.


	3. Tranquil

Spinel is reclining on the rail of a humongous and ornamental stairwell. Her arms are folded behind her head and legs are stretched out in front of her. The sun is shining consistently onto her gem. She hears the ambient noise of gems milling about in an adjacent plaza. The sound does not hurt her ears.

Her heart is pounding, but her breathing remains steady. She feels the weight in her chest, but she feels winds of happiness within it, too. There is a faint smile on her lips. It feels good to stretch out under the hot sun.

She doesn’t feel light; she doesn’t feel heavy. She doesn’t feel empty, but she doesn’t feel crowded. There are dark circles under her eyes, yet her gem maintains a healthy lustre. Sorrow rests in her throat, yet hope lives on in her soul.

This tranquility, too, is fleeting; however, she might as well just enjoy it.

END

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading my work.
> 
> Have a good day. :-)


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